Thinking Divorce? - Resources

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES Whether you choose to seek a divorce or to try again on your marriage, it pays to be as informed as possible. There are numerous resources available to help you move forward in a constructive manner. Use them.
1.	In local bookstores, look in the self-help, self-improvement, and relationship sections. For those of you who are readers, there are dozens of books about how to improve communication skills, how to improve your relationships, and how to maintain your marriage. Knowledge is power and you can learn how to change the status quo in your home.
2.	Visit local churches, classes, workshops and seminars. Learning from books provides a great deal of information, but you need practice, too. Many mental health organizations, civic organizations, local colleges, and churches offer courses to improve your home life, sometimes at minimal cost. Take advantage of the opportunities there.
3.	Visit the National Domestic Violence Hot Line at www.ndvh.org or 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Physical abuse can be a problem that requires serious a commitment in order to be overcome. Both spouses must be committed to addressing this situation or be prepared to accept the consequences, which can be grave. This site has resources for both the victim and the perpetrator of abuse.
4.	Another site to visit is the National Vital Statistics System at www.cdc.gov. The United States Center for Disease Control actually maintains statistics for all types of information, including marriage, divorce, children per family, unwed pregnancies, and other important data. The organization also releases articles that will help interpret the information and make it meaningful to you.
5.	Read Sheehy, Gail, Passages: Predictable Crises of Adult Life, NY E.P. Dutton, 1974. This book will help you understand that the crises in your life may not be as unique as you think. May of us go through stages in adulthood similar to the stages of childhood, and our behavior is not necessarily unexpected, at least by those who are informed. Check out this book to see if your actions or those of your partner are part of the natural evolution of growth, rather than something that is extraordinary or unacceptable.
6.	Read Stanton, Glenn, Why Marriage Matters: Reasons to Believe in Marriage in Post-Modern Society, September 1977, Pinon Press. This is an example of many books available that propose marriage is still a viable and vital institution in our society. If you do not believe in marriage in general, it may be hard to believe in your marriage personally.
7.	Contact state bar associations. Every state has an association, usually in the capital city, which keeps track of the licensed attorneys in that state. Some states require attorneys to join the bar association while other states make it optional. A bar organization generally disciplines its lawyers and maintains records of complaints by the public. Certain types of discipline are private and others are public, meaning you can find out whether an attorney you are considering has had public discipline. It is like calling the Better Business Bureau for lawyers.
8.	Contact your state and local mental health facilities. Every community has local mental health facilities and, often, state facilities. Some of these facilities are priced on a sliding scale, depending upon a client's income. Many individuals may require some additional assistance to learn how to communicate effectively. Some people have mental health issues precluding their ability to reason and communicate. Sometimes, these issues need to be addressed before a couple can work together constructively.
9.	Visit www.aamft.org (American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy). This organization can assist in referrals for the type of therapist you may need. Remember that therapists are just people, and sometimes your personality may respond better to one therapist than another. You should try another therapist if you do not become comfortable with your first choice within a reasonable time. Sometimes people do not necessarily need therapy but instead need some life coaching skills. Coaching or mentoring is a new field and you should be cautious but open to new approaches in dealing with old problems. Finding the right coach for your marriage could make all the difference.
10.	Visit www.acresolution.org. The Association for Conflict Resolution is a professional organization dedicated to enhancing the practice and public understanding of conflict resolution. This web site explains the mediation process in a family dispute setting and describes the attributes of a qualified mediator. It also has referrals for mediators registered with its organization.
11.	Visit www.divorcemagazine.com. This site provides all sorts of useful information about divorce and about maintaining relationships. It has everything from Dr. Patricia Love's remarks, to call-in polls showing how many divorced people wish they had stayed married if they had known then what they know now. (A whopping 40%, by the way, though other polls have rated the figure as high as 70%!)
12.	Visit www.marriagebuilders.com. If you are willing to work on your marriage, this site will provide you with articles, workshops, information, and referrals to help you in that direction. There are a number of similar sites available, some of which are affiliated with universities.
13.	Visit www.mediate.com. This site provides many interesting articles about mediation and the effects of divorce. It also has information regarding mediation training and a network of mediation and conflict resolution organizations throughout the country. A mediation referral service is available here as well.
14.	Visit www.nami.org (National Alliance For The Mentally Ill). If you or your loved one is dealing with a mental health issue, you should be in contact with this organization. It may have resources available that will help you in ways you had not yet contemplated. A correct diagnosis is critical and, if not obtained, could explain why you feel like you are hitting your head against the wall.
15.	Visit www.smartmarriages.com. This is another site that will provide a wealth of information and resources to help you save your marriage. This organization also has an annual seminar and provides training for individuals and therapists interested in assisting the rest of us work on our marriage. Remember, marriages, like any relationship, are rarely stagnant. They either get better or get worse; it is up to you. They do take effort but most people believe it is worth it.